Ramblings

So I watched this video that my friend Amanda posted to her Facebook (see link below).

http://nickritchielive.com/video-think-look-actually-look-proof-inside/#sthash.8yvv7kjO.isBcuGG6.dpbs

 I think that everyone should see this. It is a real eye opener about how harshly we judge ourselves and how that affects the way that we see ourselves. For those of you that know me, I am a big girl. No denying or sugar coating it. I am overweight. I know this about myself and I also hate it. So why not work hard to change it? I think that lately I have slowly been realizing the reason why I have had so much trouble loosing weight is not because I am lazy or unmotivated. I told myself that as an excuse. I think that the real reason that I do not do more to lose the weight is because I have told myself that I can be happy if I just lose the weight or I will be prettier if I just lose the weight and in reality I am scared to death that it will not be true.

I know that it isn't true. If I am unhappy now I will still be unhappy even after losing the weight but in a way the weight has kind of been a comfort to me, like a security blanket. My weight has been something that I could hide behind and blame my problems on. I have been subconsciously terrified that I still will not like what I see in myself without the weight. This may sound stupid to some of you but to me it makes perfect sense. My weight is my scapegoat. It is the thing that I can pin all my depression and unhappiness on.I would be so much happier if I were just skinnier.I feel so depressed because I am fat. These are the lies I have been telling myself. But guess what? NOT TRUE!!

I have come to realize that my happiness is not found in a number on the scale or in a certain pant size. True happiness and fulfillment is something that can only be found on the inside. If I were to strip away all the pounds right now...if someone invented something that could make me instantly skinny, I would still be unhappy. This same principle can be applied to other aspect of life. maybe some of you can relate more to these better than the weight thing. We tell ourselves "I would be happier if..." lies all the time. They take different shapes for everyone. "I would be happier if...I had more money...I had a better job...I bought those shoes...I looked like her...I had a boyfriend/girlfriend...The list goes on and on.

So, starting today, I am throwing away the security blanket. I choose to be happier just because I said so. I know that I need to figure out how I can be happy in the hear and no without all of the what ifs. Now don't get me wrong, I still acknowledge the fact that I need to lose the weight. Boy do I! But I see it differently now. I don't want to get in shape as a means of achieving happiness. i want to do it because I love myself and I want what is best for me and my body. Will I fall short a lot still? You betcha but that doesn't mean that I am a failure. I saw a picture on Pinterest that said Ï don't work out because I hate my body. I work out because I love my body."This is my new motto. I was seeing it from the wrong perspective. I  wanted to lose the weight because of my warped self view and self loathing. Instead, I need to concentrate on loving my body and making it the best I can because of that.

All that being said, please know that you are all beautiful even when you don't think you are. Love yourself and great things will come of it.